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Where Have All The Real Men Gone?

Monday, 9 August 2010 Leave a Comment

This is a major bugbear for me. The modern age has unleashed a whole new breed of man. Gone are the days of chest hair and stubble, replaced with guy-liner and man bags. These so called Metrosexuals are roaming the streets looking “oh so chic,” with their designer haircuts and groin strangling skinny jeans. Don’t get me wrong, I love a man who knows how to dress well, but I’d rather date a slug than date someone who looks hotter than me. Think of all the bathroom time they take up just preening themselves and fake tanning their eyelids or whatever. Get a grip guys; I want a lumberjack not a ballerina. Grow some man hair you wimps.

At some point, all girls have dreamt of a knight in shining armour, someone strong and handsome to rescue her from the drab world we live in, but not once did that dream consist of a knight wearing a Gucci satchel and driving a Mini Cooper.

I feel the need to speak out to these girly guys and say STOP! No more fake tan, no more waxing your brows or trimming your nasal follicles and no more styling gel, you have enough on to tame a woolly mammoth, you fool.

Give me a rugged – “I can light a match on my stubble,” kind of guy, and I’m not talking about some low grade, couch potato that’s never heard of a razor. Think Gerard Butler. Pure sexual man beast, that isn't afraid of working up a sweat.

So where have all the real men gone? Well ladies, it’s a severe case of The Stepford Husbands. Someone, somewhere is creating these boy band boneheads and they’d better stop before I hunt them down in my killer heels. No woman wants a boyfriend that spends more time looking in the mirror than at her. So I urge all you ladies out there, who still like you’re men, manly to stand up and say, “No! You can’t borrow my overnight moisturiser.”

For those of you who live under a rock and don't know your Metros from your Hetros, these picture references should explain things…
Typical Metro - You just love yourself don’t you Ronaldo? Yes, you have a nice body, I get it, but stop dressing up like a peacock, it offends my eyes.
No, this isn't the Phantom of the Opera - it’s your boyfriend stealing your facemask.
Oh my days! Thank goodness for the beard or else I wouldn't be able to tell.
You must be cool because you're wearing sunglasses, indoors, in the dark. You numpty.
That's right always start with the chest, just leave your face looking like a whipped cream Santa beard, we don't mind. The smooth chest is all peachy when it's just been shaved but wait a week and running your hands along his chest, will feel like stroking a porcupine. Nice.

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23 comments »

  • Lilly said:  

    Here, here!! I hate pretty boys. And I do not understand why everyone thinks that Ronaldo guy is so hot. Sure he has a nice body, but he looks like a GIRL. And the highlighted hair--that is an immediate deal breaker. And P.S. "you numpty" is totally my new phrase.

  • Alice X said:  

    Ditto Ronaldo needs to man up. The highlights are horrendous! Hahaha i love the word numpty i use it all the time.

  • How To Be Perfect said:  

    I couldn't agree more! I can't stand the new age man, bring on the boys who play rugby, wrestle frizzy bears and whose idea of pampering is a five minute longer shower! X love your blog it's so funny X

  • Alice X said:  

    Im so glad i'm not the only one fed up of these preened, noodle legged guys. Any guy who can wrestle a bear gets my vote haha! Thanks for stopping buy :)

    I just had nosey at your blog. Super talented or what? Your cakes look amazing, looking at it made me realise i only had a croissant and a bag of Wotsits for lunch. I wish i wasn't such a bad example of a female, i can't cook at all.

  • Hotcakes said:  

    sorry for the late notice on your comment alice!

    ohhhhh!!! lovin' your blog!!!! <3 im definitely in it.

    good thing my boyfriend isn't a metro. lol because if he was. he would be "girlier" than I am. lol

  • Alice X said:  

    Hey no problem you wern't late. Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog. Looks to me like not many of us like these girly boys huh!

    Glad you liked my blog :)

  • Allie Burnham said:  

    Thanks for visiting my blog! This totally makes me laugh, I completely agree! Girly men are NOT attractive in any way! I want to be the feminine one in the relationship! Well said!

  • Alice X said:  

    Hi Allie i liked your blog, thanks for having a read of mine, it's mucho appreciated. :)

  • PrincessBeks said:  

    hey found your blog from tracie66 and i love it. you are sooooo totally right on this subject i hate pretty boys i want a man not a boy!! and yes i dont want a scruff bag but its the girl who's meant to spend hours in the bathroom not the other way round. a few of my male mates shave their chest and i'm like why, you freak your a man.
    we need to get this message out to all those pretty boys they need to stand up and be a man lol!!!
    would love you to visit my blog and tell me what you think xxx

  • Alice X said:  

    Hi thanks so much. Tracie66? I'm glad you liked my post! It's nice to know i'm not the only one who thinks they should grow some chest hair and do some press ups. Maybe i should start a group called we hate girly boys haha. I will definitely take a look at your blog :)

    Thanks for commenting x

  • Lost.in.Idaho said:  

    Thanks to Thank,Q I have found and now love your site. As a male, I can say that we "men" laugh at these guys.

    Why do you leave all of your shirt untucked except in the front? We don't want to see your belt buckle. It just makes kicking you in the nuts easier to do, because the target isn't covered up by your shirt...

    The only bit of manscaping I do is in the 'down there' region. My philosophy is this. I don't want to get hair in my teeth when I 'make you happy' so I'm guessing you'd like me to show you the same respect. No, it's not bald, but it's trim. Not porcupine trim, but not South American Rainforest either.

    However, if I were as hairy as, say, Chewbacca, I'd consider the full-shave.

  • Sonia said:  

    LMAO! That was great. I can't say I have come across those type, but I don't like a man with hair on his back. DEAL BREAKER! Those kind of guys only go for chicks that lack self esteem anyway. Any smart woman would run the other way.

  • Thank, Q said:  

    Luckily for me, there aren't too many guys like that in Mississippi. Maybe that's a big city thing, but guys here are pretty much a step above cavemen. LOL! So many women probably understand your pain, but I do think quite a few of the ladies love "cute men." Hmmmmph. Go figure. Who wants a man who, like you said, looks better than her?

  • Alice X said:  

    @Lost.in.Idaho I'm glad it's not just Women who think it's silly, and don't get me started on wearing pants low, i wrote a whole post entitled Nappy Pants on the subject.

    @Sonia Yes hairy backs aren't exactly attractive, i guess we can forgive the odd grooming ritual.

    @Thank Q Yeah some women do go for the more preened male, i guess it's just not my thing.

  • Jay said:  

    You had me at "fake tanning their eyelids".

  • Alice X said:  

    @Jay Hahaha thanks :)

  • Pedro Cardoso said:  

    What? Did someone call for a real man who can light matches on his stubble? Why, that would be me, but first I could totally use some help waxing my back! Well... you called for someone who will *fight* the bear, not *be* the bear, right?


    Seriously, though... that Ronaldo is such an embarrassment. Not only does he have the fashionable flair of a girl, he's been playing soccer like a girl :-( Such a major numpty, he is.

  • Alice X said:  

    @Pedro Cardoso I have a great hedge trimmer you can borrow if you like?

  • Ritzi Cortez said:  

    This is missing one thing... Ollie from Made In Chelsea. I mean REALLY, come the fuck on men of the world. Man up. Please?

    RCx

    PS - week on Wednesday baby! I'll be the one bringing the fabulous :)

  • Alice X said:  

    @Ritzi Oh yes good old Fabio wannabe/Ollie. Is he gay, or isn't he? Who knows? What i do know is he uses a damn good conditioner on those locks.

  • Anonymous said:  

    Just takes ladies joining together and stop giving up to these pretty boys. If they stop getting laid because of it, they will change

  • Anonymous said:  

    A real man is hard to find because we allow it. Anyone that takes longer in the bathroom than I do to get ready, is out. Man-up American Men, be the real deal and get off the cell-phone, stop texting when you suppose to be listening and figure it out.

  • Anonymous said:  

    Poor fellas; its a bit of a dilemma.

    It's like this scenario from an Aussie movie called 'Welcome to Woop Woop' by the guy who made 'Priscilla', that features some outback mining town thought abandoned for decades nobody knows still exists where the women leave incognito for the big world to grab(re:shanghai)a husband and drag 'em back'cause inbreeding's bad and the locals are kinda scrubs.

    And the poor dears get out into the big world, get their hair done and then drag home their handsome hairdressers knowing none the better. Pretty sure most grow out of that phase (Bieber much?) but in the film the joke was they never got a chance to even learn why your hairdresser might make a poor hetero outback romance; they were like cargo cult white people basing their religion around Carpenters albums and dumptrucks full of polyester castoffs.

    And of course, I'm a fella if you haven't guessed. I DO see a lot of hemming and hawing about grooming here; a slippery slope ladies. You want a lumberjack, he's gonna smell like one.


    P.S.

    ". . . I don't like a man with hair on his back. DEAL BREAKER! Those kind of guys only go for chicks that lack self esteem anyway."

    Sonia, I'm just givin you a hard time :) but as a New Man (we ask first) I wanna know does this comment make it ok to share my generalization masking as statistical review of potential-mother-in-laws-with-lip-hair as overbearing harpies that will take out whatever fun we all had as a potential family at the dinner table etc. on my poor SO when I leave through merciless and constant ego-destruction, poisoning the very well of our love? Anyway cheers back hair is fucking gross. And so is lip hair. ESPECIALLY on Freida Kahlo.

    So I like Italian girls, so I like Jewish girls, so I must like Hell if her Momma has anything to say about it. . . .

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