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The Man Translator: What He Really Means

Sunday, 31 October 2010 17 comments


Image Source by Ed Yourdon

Understanding men is like trying to understand algebra, useless and pointless. They think in totally different way to us women. Well help is here ladies in the form of my Man Translator! Below are some common phrases often uttered by the male species, and what he really means when he says "I love you" on the second date...


Man: "Yes i am listening."
Translation: I haven't heard a word you just said, but I'm going to bluff my way through by nodding and grunting.

Man: "Your being unreasonable."
Translation: Why are you acting like a crazy person?

Man: "I'm not like other guys."
Translation: I am exactly like other guys.

Man: "I love you."
Translation: My penis loves you.

Man: "I won't come home drunk, I'm only having a couple beers."
Translation: I'll be home at 2:00am, trip over the cat and pee in the plant pot because i can't make it to the toilet.

Man: "I'm not ready for a long term relationship."
Translation: I'm a commitment phobe who wants a booty call.

Man: "I know exactly where we are."
Translation: We're lost.

Man: "Its only a scratch."
Translation: ARGHHHHHH my f****** arm is falling off.

Man: "I'm dying."
Translation: I have a cold.

Man: "Its a guy thing."
Translation: No women allowed.

Man: "Tell me more about your friend Tom."
Translation: Have you slept with Tom?

Man: "I only have eyes for you."
Translation: I check out other women, but only when you're not looking.

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Halloween Hottie: Heath Ledger

Saturday, 30 October 2010 0 comments
















This Halloween i honor my favourite Villain!

The Joker made Heath Ledger a true legend, with a superb performance as the sinister super villain. The incredibly hot Heath decided to don the clown face of Batman's arch enemy and delivered an incredible performance that will be remembered for years to come. 

R.I.P. The gorgeous and amazingly talented Heath Ledger 

Image Credit: ♠NiJoKeR♣   Image Source
Image Credit: Doctor Hyde   Image Source

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Chat Up Lines: Do They Ever Work?

Sunday, 24 October 2010 48 comments



So you're in a bar, having a quiet drink with your friends when a guy approaches you, he's your perfect type, tall, blond and a jawline that would make male models weep with jealousy. You're already imagining him in his underwear... and then he goes and opens his mouth, "Can i take a photo of you so i can show Santa what i want for Christmas?"



The cheesy chat up line strikes again! It's bad enough to use a chat up line at all, but to mention the Christmas legend that is Santa?! That's just creepy. Sorry hunk, but the only thing you'll be unwrapping is a Turkey dinner for one.

Why do guys do this? They rarely work, and hearing some man cheapen your worth with some smutty, and mildly insulting one liner, doesn't exactly make you want to "Get your coat, because you've pulled."

I say stop with the old cliched chat up lines and lets start being original. How about you just be honest? "I think your pretty so i came over to say hi." That's refreshing! Or if you must use a line, please make it useful. How about..."Hi I'm Dave, I'm broke, i live with my Mum and i like to eat left over pizza after a night out," at least then we can we can cross you off the list of eligible bachelors.

As for us girlie's, here's some comebacks i have devised to get rid of these cheesy wordsmiths:


"Do you have a map? I just keep getting lost in those eyes."
Comeback: If my eyes are telling you to get lost, I'd take the hint.


"Just call me milk, ill do your body good."
Comeback: I'm lactose intolerant


"Do you come here often?"
Comeback: Not anymore


"If you were a burger you'd be McGorgeous."
Comeback: Well if you were a milkshake you'd be a McSleazy


"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Comeback: About as much as it will when i kick you in the balls


"Do you believe in love at first site or should i walk by again?"
Comeback: Yeah but this time keep walking pal


"Where have you been all my life?"
Comeback: Out of your league


"I'd like to see more of you."
Comeback: I'll let you know when i gain 20 lbs

What's the worst, funniest or cheesiest line you've ever heard? Have you ever used one? Are you Pro Chat up lines?

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And The Winner Is...

Saturday, 23 October 2010 2 comments

Edward 



Twilight reigns supreme! With a whopping 80% of the vote Edward stole the crown for the hottest Vampire. Commiserations go to Stefan Salvatore, who is probably painting himself white and calling Elena, Bella, in a vain attempt to become a Cullen. Sorry Stefan but you're not a scratch on this beautiful bloodsucker.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to vote and comment. How could i ever have doubted your hotness Ed? Shame on me.

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Guess Who's Back?

Friday, 22 October 2010 4 comments

...Me that's who. Yes i know it's been a while. I have an excuse i promise!

I was on Holiday! Whisked off to the Lake District by none other than the The Boyfriend. Which roughly translated, means i spent a week freezing my finger tips off in the unforgiving October weather.  There's nothing like a week away in sunny old Cumbria, i can almost sense your envy already!


Despite the fact that it was colder than a Snowman's baby-maker it wasn't all bad:



I got to drive one of these bad boys...


OK so i exaggerated a little...


I had a stroll in Miss Potters garden...


Got attacked by these devil faced, raccoon wannabes...


Saw a heck of a lot of these hissing creatures...


...and fed an Emu or two. 
BEWARE!!!
These oversize chickens would have eat my hand if it smelt like corn.


So there you have it, my excuse for being a lazy blogger! 



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Stefan Salvatore Vs. Edward Cullen: Vote Now!

Thursday, 14 October 2010 17 comments



Image Source Who's wins? - You decide.

It's battle of the Vamps and there's just not enough room in this world for two veggie blood suckers. This is a tough one girls so get your hot 'O' meters at the ready. 

Whilst Twilight's away, The Vampire Diaries will play, and this show means business. With more male hotties than you can shake a handbag at, what's a girl to do? Enjoy of course, but does this mean it's an all out Vampire beauty war? 

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the hottest Vampire of them all? 

I have a confession... I'm cheating on Edward Cullen. Yep there i said it, but who can blame me when the devilishly handsome Paul Wesley is steaming up my screen every Tuesday night, whilst Edward is confined to the DVD shelf? Mmmmmm Stefan Salvatore you little home wrecker you. I had a perfectly unhealthy, (all be it fictional) obsession with Edward/Robert and now you've waltzed in with your brooding eyes and spiky hair, and ruined it. Who do you think you are appearing on my flat screen like some James Dean renegade love stud? I fiercely forbid it, but seriously, don't stop. 

I have a conundrum for you ladies... Who is the hottest Vampire of them all? Stefan or Edward, Edward or Stefan, Stefedward, oh the dilemma. Help me decide by voting below...

This poll is now closed

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The Versatile Blogger Award

Sunday, 10 October 2010 15 comments



Jess over at It is a big deal, it is to me! gave me the versatile blogger award. A big thank you to Jess who's blog i discovered a couple weeks back. She has a witty writing style and has me laughing out loud at some of her posts, I'm thrilled she liked my blog enough to give me an award, so please pay her a visit people and show her some love.


The rules of acceptance of this fantabulous award are as follows:


1) Thank and link back to the person who gave me this award.
2) Tell everyone 7 things about myself
3) Pass this award to 15 other bloggers
4) Contact the bloggers that I've picked and tell them about the award

2) Hmmm now 7 things about me, well let's see...

  • I have an obsession with vinegar, i put it on almost everything, except cereal because that's just plane gross!
  • I can cross my toes and do a weird Mexican wave thing with my tongue.
  • I am severely arachnophobic! Seriously show me an 8 legged freak and I'll have a fit.
  • I love John Hughes films, The Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, Sixteen Candles, just the best films ever.
  • I have bright green eyes that some people find a little scary, they have been compared to Hypnotoad from The Simpsons...

  • I want to write a novel some day, i have started a couple but somehow i never get around to finishing them.
  • I will make a rubbish Wife someday; i can't cook, sew, use a washing machine or effectively iron out creases in my favourite shirt, how i have managed to survive this long is a miracle.       


3) Pass this award to 15 other bloggers

Since i gave away some awards not long ago, I'm going to give these to different blogs that weren't on my list last time.

Somewhat of a spectacle - Denise has 2 blogs but i love this one, she has great ideas for posts!
Intimate Memoirs of a Modern Girl - I adore this blog, it's a great read and soo funny, this blog is fab.
thetinytincan - This girl blogs about all sorts of stuff, i feel like each time i read her posts i get to know more about her.
The Adventures of Cinderita - This girl is amazing, she says the things that we all think but are too scared to say. I admire her a lot!
Long Distance Love Affair - I love reading about the trials and triumphs of her long distance relationship and far away family.
Turning 30: A Journey of Self Exploration - This blog is really well written and is always a great read.
Comedy or Tragedy? - I found this blog only the other day but i was literally laughing my head off, fantastic funny posts!
The Married Couple -  Great couple blog, so cute!
Stop. Listen. - I just love this one, they are the kind of posts that make you want to comment everything after reading.
Always Carried Away - I found this one recently, it's got amazing photographs and great quotes, really nice blog.
Tantalizing Testimonies - I love reading about what's going on in other people's lives, yeah I'm nosey OKAY, but that's why i love this blog.
Chronicles of Wynn - What can i say i love reading this blog, i share a common hate of public transport with this girl.
Missy Salsa - This girl blogs about everything from her boyfriend to work to cooking.
A Red Heel State of Mind - After i read her post on quirks i just had to include this blog.
The Johnstons -  Another great couple type blog.







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Meet The Parents: Top Ten Tips

Thursday, 7 October 2010 7 comments



So you've been dating for months now and things are just peachy. Naturally he wants to introduce you to his parents (trust me it's a good thing if he does, it means he considers you to be long term), but wait a minute, what if they don't like you? What if they don't approve of your relationship? What if you're about to meet the in-laws from hell?

You're freaking out, i know, but dial down the panic mode. These things always seem worse than they are, but just in case, here's a meet the parents survival guide to give you a helping hand.

1. Be polite, but not so polite that you're practically killing them with kind words and compliments. Nobody likes a kiss ass.

2. Don't dress like a hooker, save your cleavage top for Saturday night. Having your love cushions on red alert might get his Dad's attention, but his Mum will be less than impressed at the site of your Wonderbra. So keep the backless, the strapless and the skirt that looks like a belt, safely hidden in the wardrobe.

3. Don't dress like a Nun, it's not the 1800's, showing a bit of leg won't get you arrested. If you're wearing a floor length skirt, a polo neck jumper, a baggy cardigan, a fleece and an anorak, you've gone too far.

4. Do some digging. Ask your boyfriend to spill the beans on what his parents' likes and dislikes are, that way you can nod and grimace in all the right places.

5. Prepare for the interrogation. What do you do for a living? What do your parents do? How long have you known each other? Where did you meet? Be truthful, however if you met in a dingy pub when you were just too drunk to say no, don't be afraid to tweak the story a little to get the awww factor.

6. Get the Mum on side, if you can bond with her then you've got it in the bag, you'll be daughter-in-law of the year in no time.

7. Compliment the food. If it's dinner at their house make sure you gobble up that pie like it's going out of fashion, even if it's terrible and pastry makes you bloat.

8. Be cheerful, just because you're dreading this doesn't mean you should show it. Turn that frown upside down and smile like you're advertising toothpaste.

9. Ask questions, don't forget that you're there to meet them too, so find out what they're really like. Ask them about their hobbies, talk about current events, this is your chance to see where your boyfriend came from.

10. The baby album. Make sure to pay a special interest in the photographs on the mantelpiece, you never know, his Mother might just show you the embarrassing baby pics you've been dying to see.

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Jackson Rathbone

Monday, 4 October 2010 6 comments

MADRID, SPAIN - JULY 13: Actor Jackson Rathbone attends 'Airbender, el Ultimo Guerrero' (The Last Airbender) photocall at Villamagna Hotel  on July 13, 2010 in Madrid, Spain. (Photo by Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images)File:JacksonRathbone10TIFF.jpg



















Image Credit: gdcgraphics Image source

Your creepy half-smile doesn't fool us Rathbone, we know you're gorgeous. Whether your covered in ghost white paint or dressed like a bad ninja from the 80's we love you anyway, wonky smirk 'n' all.

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Alice Help! I Want Revenge

Friday, 1 October 2010 1 comments

This is my first Ask Alice Anything advice post. It comes by request from a fellow blogger Miss Innocent over at Long Distance Love Affair. She recently posted this, please read before reading this post. Basically a girl has been emailing her boyfriend behind her back! Low blow. She even had the guts to send her boyfriend a half naked photograph of herself in nothing but her underwear. Classy huh. Anyway Miss Innocent has asked me for some advice on what she should do, so (gets her sensible hat on) here goes...


Send icon and cursor on monitor, close-up



Dear Miss Innocent,

First of all I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I can't imagine what i would do in this situation. Well actually that's a half truth, i can imagine what I'd do, but actually doing it? Well that's a whole other ball game. When you feel betrayed by someone and rage consumes you, you are more likely to act without thinking, and quite frankly i can understand why you would want to shame this girl. I would too, it's a natural instinct to get revenge on someone who has hurt you, especially if that person is sending half naked pictures of herself to your man. However be very careful, remember that whatever vengeful things you do will reflect badly on yourself. Take some time to think things through, and take some time apart from your boyfriend. Just for a week or two until you can figure out how you really feel about it.

Revenge is a dish best served err... delayed, and that is very true, too often we rush into things before thinking carefully, and in the end we regret our actions. I have always been a firm believer in Karma - what goes around does eventually come around. Trust me the day will come when something like this happens to her. She will get her comeuppance, so why waste your valuable time when nature will take care of it for you.

From the perspective of a sensible advisor i would say take it as gracefully as you can, don't stoop to her level. Simply say to yourself, "I'm better than that, better than her and i don't need to prove it." However from the perspective of someone who has been in a relationship for over seven years, I'd make him pay, and as I'm not big on bitching behind people's backs (I'm more of say it to your face, brutally honest kind of girl) i would call her directly and warn her to back off!!! In fact i'd probably think about plastering that photo all over the town she lived in, but that's just vindictive.

With regards to why she has done this, well she sounds unhappy. Think about it, would someone who was happily married send photographs of herself to other men? The answer is no, so perhaps instead of hating her, focus on pitying her. She may be jealous of the relationship you and your boyfriend have.

I think you should direct your efforts towards your boyfriend, and why he felt the need to continue emailing this girl? If there was any encouragement on his part, then it's him you should be more mad at. Sit down and have a real talk about your relationship, don't mention the girl straight away. Simply ask him how he feels about the relationship and if he is happy with you. You will get far more out of this talk than you would by screaming and ranting about another women. I know it's hard to focus on anything else but make sure you realise who is more important, the girl or your boyfriend? Once you have a better understanding of each others feelings, you won't be as angry at her.

Take some time to think and some space to breathe, even though you can't see the solution now, things have a habit of working themselves out on their own. If she sends another photo of herself to your man, well then you have my blessing to bad mouth her from here to kindom come, she deserves it. Above all remember this... all relationships have their problems it's how we deal with them that defines us.


I sincerely hope things work out for you both.

Alice X


If you have a relationship problem or question please see this post for information on how to Ask Alice Anything. All questions will be posted anonymously unless otherwise stated by you.

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