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Men and Motors - I Have Road Rage

Monday, 28 February 2011 12 comments



This post is for all those guys out there who think that they’re the God's gift of drivers...



Photo credit: click from morguefile.com

I hate you Mr. White Van Man; driving like a maniac, speeding around in your free company van. You, white van man, have nearly crashed into me on many an occasion and I swear, if you don't slow the hell down I'm going to follow you in my little Noddy car and ram it straight up your rear bumper, got it?



Photo credit: M42 from morguefile.com

I hate you Mr. 4x4 Guy; thinking you can take up the entire road because you own a car the size of a tank. Thinking you can barge me into a hedge because you have a wide load! You think you're so special, with your off road tyres and fancy shmancy mud guard. Just get off the road idiot! We all know your car is only that big to make up for your small penis.



Photo credit: mgeyer from morguefile.com

I hate you Mr. Flashy Flash Pants in your snazzy sports-mobile. Just get a normal car, one that you can actually get 10miles out of before it decides it's thirsty again. Unless you have a racetrack in your back yard, (which I highly doubt) you will never be able to get your car past the 70mph limit legally, so give it a rest already!



Photo credit: alvimann from morguefile.com

I hate you local gentlemen’s cycling club and all your members who decide that rush hour is the perfect time for a mini Tour-de-England. Taking up the entire road. Bums sticking out, wagging from side to side in your tight Lycra shorts... OK, OK you're not that bad, but seriously, I've heard Sundays are quiet on the roads.



Photo credit: click from morguefile.com

I hate you Mr. Motorcycle. Born to be wild, horn tooting metal straddler. Yeah you know why? I'm stuck here in this traffic for two hours and you just zoom straight past me, weaving your way to the front like a queue jumping rocket man. Yes this hatred for you is mostly jealousy. Deal with it!



Photo credit: click from morguefile.com

I hate you Mr. Bus Driver, who has to stop at every freaking bust stop you see and then sit there for longer than needed double checking your schedule, ticket machine or whatever else it is you bus men do. And don’t even get me started on the fact that you somehow think it appropriate to stop in the middle of a busy road, hold up traffic, and annoy the life out of me, all because you and your fellow bus driver friend want to chat through the window. I hate you.



Photo credit: caprisco from morguefile.com

Last but not least. I hate you Mr. Go Fast Stripes; barely 17 and your racing round like Colin McCrea in your clapped out Corsa. Blasting rubbish dance music and paying more attention to your mates in the back, than the road in front. Just go. Anywhere but near me, you Buffoon. You’re not big, you’re not clever and you'll end up wrapped around a lamppost if you don't drive responsibly.


Rant over... I feel so much better now.

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Shia Labeouf

Friday, 25 February 2011 6 comments


Image Credit: SpreePiX - Berlin  Image Source


Shia Labeouf has gone from boy next door to Hollywood movie mega star. Remember when he was the goofy little brother on Even Stevens? Well he's no pipsqueak now, although he has managed to hang onto those dorky good looks and that cheeky boyish charm we loved so much. Who knew that a bit of facial hair could take him from awkward teen to manly dream?


Here's to growing up Labeouf; you've shaped up nicely.

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Shakespeare, thou artless dog-hearted codpiece

Monday, 21 February 2011 4 comments

Shakespeare in Love

Source

SONNET 130

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses
damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare. 



If I were your mistress Shakey I'd feed you to the dogs, I would! 


In all seriousness though, this is my favourite Shakespeare Sonnet. Sure his mistress smells like old cheese and she stomps around like a decrepit moose but he's like, "So what?" So she aint no Elle MacPherson and she has a head of hair to rival Medusa herself, who cares? Certainly not this playwright. He loves her, even if mirrors don't.


It might not be the most pleasing love poem ever written but it's refreshing, beautiful and honest, what more could a woman ask for? However, it does leave me wondering what he might say if she turned to him and asked, “Does my bum look big in this tunic?”


Shakespeare, I love you.

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WARNING: This post may make you vomit... with love

Wednesday, 16 February 2011 9 comments

I apologise in advance for the vomit inducing, love fest that I am about to unleash on you all, but the boy did good and he deserves celebrating. I realise that Valentine's day is well and truly over and you can now buy an "I love you" teddy for half the price, but I fully intend to wallow in my sickening love bubble for at least another two days, then I promise I'll be back to my normal self.

What we did
The Boyfriend took me out for dinner and a movie, which would have been lovely if it wasn't for the fact that some half cut, giggly teen couples ruined the ending of a perfectly average movie by thinking the film had just started, when in fact, it was just ending. Numpties! Utter numpties. They had obviously booked the later showing but instead of waiting like most normal humans would, they decided to ruin ours by barging past us like a heard of buffalo to settle in the seats either side of us, before eventually realising they were in the wrong film. I blame the hormones.

Next on our love tour was the nearby Italian restaurant, which was quite lovely apart from the fact that neither me, nor The Boyfriend are the pasta eating type. The steak however was delicious.

Then we arrived back home and he presented me with these...



The roses were wrapped in these...
...Sure they light up and yes they are tacky, but I love them.

He also gave me...

Do you spot the gold coins? I love chocolate money; it's almost as good as the real stuff. 
A round of applause for The Boyfriend? I think yes.

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Happy Valentine's Day

Monday, 14 February 2011 8 comments


Photo credit: jdurham from morguefile.com

To all my lovely blog followers and blog readers Happy Valentine's. Whether you're single, married or just plain sick of dating scumbags... i love you all.


Alice XOXO

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Signs he is in love

Thursday, 10 February 2011 17 comments


Photo credit: clarita from morguefile.com

Valentine's day, the lovers holiday is here again and couples the all over the world will be declaring their undying love for one another, but what if your man hasn't said the "L" word yet? How can you tell if he really loves you? 

We all know men are mystical creatures when it comes to feelings. Not many men feel comfortable displaying affection unless it's of the lust variety, so what are the signs that he loves you?


Top 10 signs that he loves you:

  • He puts you first. Forget sport, beer and friends, he’s putting them on hold to spend time with you.
  • He’s making future plans and they include you. If he starts talking about the future, moving in or settling down, then he’s ready and committed to building a life with you. This is one of the biggest signs that he loves you, so take the hint!
  • He worries about you. If he wants to know you made it home safe or holds your hand when crossing the street, it may sound insignificant but he’s being protective. If he wants to take care of you then he's in it for the long haul.
  • He misses you. Missing someone is a sign of true love; if he wishes you were with him then his heart is in the right place.
  • He introduces you to his family. Family is important to most people so if he takes you to meet them or he invites you to a family wedding or birthday, he thinks of you as more than just a crush.
  • He stands by you through the tough times. Relationships are not all smiles and rosy cheeks, all couples go through hardships, so if he sticks by you through thick and thin you must mean a lot to him.
  • He opens up to you. Opening up is not a man's strong point; guys don't do mushy, so if he opens up to you it's a sign that he trusts you completely.
  • He knows all of your quirks and bad habits and he's not put off in the slightest. If he's seen you at your worst and he still doesn't lose interest, he's a keeper.
  • He kisses you on your forehead or holds your face in his hands. Guys don't tell, they show; if he isn't vocal about his affections then he's probably showing you in other ways. Watch his body language for tell tale signs.
  • He wants to go out during the day. Going on nighttime dates is great but what about the daytime? If he's making time for you during the day or planning activities for you to do together, then he genuinely wants to be around you.



So tell me girls, is he in love with you?

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Dear Prince Charming,

Monday, 7 February 2011 18 comments

Cinderella and Prince Charming
Source

Apartment 12
Lost Hope Avenue
The Real World
Y0U 5UCK


Dear Prince Charming,


You suck! Walking around like Mr. Perfecto in your shiny leather riding boots,  looking all handsome and manly, accompanied by your stealthy steed. Well, you conveyed a false image my friend and therefore you suck! Yes you, who i dreamed of marrying and living in a perfect fairytale castle with; surrounded by animals i could beckon with my angelic singing voice. You, who would rescue me from a world of woe and whisk me off to a land of happily ever afters and talking badgers. You, the man, who all other men would be compared to.


Well guess what? I grew up and I realised that you're not real and nor is you're fairytale world of happy clappy nonsense. You lied! Not once, have i seen a handsome man, mount his horse to rescue a damsel in distress like me. Because of you, women all over the world are struggling to find "The One", the perfect man, when in reality, he doesn't exist. Randy at the D.I.Y store is no Prince Charming and neither is Barry The Fishmonger or Fred The Butcher. They all have flaws! There's no such thing as perfect. So why don't you just get off your high horse?



Yours Sincerely
The Wicked Witch of The Real World

P.S. Prince Charming, if you do exist and you happen to be reading this, call me on...

0191-I-FORGIVE-YOU

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Am I a Stylish Relationship Blogger?

Sunday, 6 February 2011 10 comments


Well Yaya thinks I am. So there! She has awarded little old me of Guys, Boys and Men with The Stylish Blogger award. I have always wanted one of these, I’ve seen them whilst perusing various blogs and have secretly wished I were one of the chosen few, to be awarded this stylish award. So thank you Yaya, I love your blog! Go read it people.

So the rules of this blog award are to share with you 7 things about myself. Since I have just posted a life story survey answering all sorts about the wonderful world of me, I won't bore you all over again. So I shall share with you 8 random things I do:

  • I think that swapping the dead batteries around in my remote control or rubbing them like a genie in a bottle, will magic their power back. What am I thinking? Only Uri Geller gets away with that shizz.
  • Sometimes, when I go to the bathroom at night, I check behind the shower screen for murderers... you never know where Freddie's hiding!
  • On car trips, I used to watch the raindrops on the car windows race each other to see which one would win. Don't laugh; you know you did it too.
  • I hate it when strangers catch me smiling randomly on the train because I'm thinking about something funny that happened earlier.
  • My computer desktop is cluttered with files that I can't be bothered properly saving elsewhere.
  • I have, on numerous occasions, tried to control my dreams. I try to think about what I want to dream about and then hope it happens. It never does. "Robert Pattinson naked, Robert Pattinson naked, Robert Pattinson NAKED" *I wake up* "Damnit!"
  • Sometimes I just want to push over people that walk slower than a glacier in front of me. Sure it's wrong, and I never actually resort to violence, but there's a tiny part of my brain saying, "Go on, just give her a shove."
  • Why yes I do have the, "If you like Pina Coladas" song on my iPod, don't you? No? Well you're obviously a loser.

I am passing this award onto...

Turning 30: A Journey of Self Exploration - Her blog is interesting, witty and i one of those blogs i just have to read.
♥ Thoughts of a Randomista ♥ - This girl is not afraid to express herself through her blog.
The Advertures of Cinderita - Possibly the most relatable blog i read. Full of real life experiences and truths.
Sex and The Shitty - Go read it and you'll find out why i like it so much!
Be Real, Be Happy - Fashion, Food and Loveliness!

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Bank-Her then Trans-fer

Thursday, 3 February 2011 7 comments


Photo credit: anon from morguefile.com


So folks, I was tagged in this "tell me your life story survey", by TOAR and given topic to write an introduction on...


"Bank-Her then Trans-fer; I thought you could talk about how people in the same cliques pass around their spouses. Everybody dates everybody!"




So, the act of passing around lovers... hmmm well I'm no swinger myself, too many cooks spoil the broth and all that, but one thing I do know a lot about is soap operas. If you have ever experienced the glory of a TV soap opera, you will know how inbred these characters are. Everybody pretty much sleeps with everyone else, they're all having affairs with their cousins or whatever. So basically everybody in a soap opera is related, in some dysfunctional, Hill Billy, love orgy. If you're thinking that it doesn't happen in real life then I have two very disturbing words for you, Jeremy Kyle (or for you Americans out there, Jerry Springer), shows with titles like, Am I Your Brother? Are You My Mother? And Who Got You Pregnant? The Lodger or The Lover? Perhaps proof that love was made for sharing?!

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
I don't have any pets at the moment but I used to own a beautiful cat who used to dribble when she was happy. I also had a rabbit that died. My dad says I bathed it to death. Yes I used to give my rabbit a bath once a week, that's normal right? Anyways being too clean never killed anyone Dad!

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
For my family and me to be safe and well. Plus I'd like to win the lottery; I know you're not supposed to materialistic but hell, without the green stuff, you've pretty much had it in this world. Besides diamonds look good on me. Me and the lottery have a love hate relationship, I say I'm going to win every week but I've been disappointed so far; this week will be different, I just know it!

3. What is the one thing you hate most?
Beans, hands down, oh and eggs, and spiders, and Hitler (what a dick), and people sneezing on me, mouth noises, nail biting and people who walk slower than my Gran! Not much really, considering.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
You'll find out next week when I win the lottery!

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Laughing! I have a huge love for humour and comedy.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
That's a tough one, loving someone can also break your heart. Being loved is a beautiful thing.

7. What is your bedtime routine?
I get changed into my PJ's, brush my teeth, wash my mask off, take my contact lenses out and put off actually going to sleep by watching crappy late night TV.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
I met him 8 years ago, wow, that's almost half my life! It doesn't actually feel like that long ago that we first met. He kept asking me out and I kept refusing, he never gave up and 8 years later we're both still together. I admire his persistence; a lesser man would have given up after a month or so.

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
Myself, I'd tell me to chill the frig down before I develop one of those scary throbbing veins in my neck. I'd also like to perve on Da Vinci, what a legend, I'd love to go back in time and just watch him think up brilliant stuff, like flying machines.

10. What kinds of books do you read?
All sorts, I'm into my paranormal romance at the moment and I'm steadily plugging my way through Jayne Eyre, it's a bit of a long slog if you ask me.

11. How would you like to see yourself in ten years time?
Hopefully happy. That's all I want.

12. What’s your fear?
Spiders, burglars and psychopaths in general. 

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
No, no matter how brilliant space is, unless the moon is made of cheeseburger, I'll stick with gravity, thanks.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
That depends, these days marriages last a day compared to yesteryear so you could still be married, poor and miserable. But hey if it's love, I'll settle for that.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Hit the snooze button, I'd like to kiss the shoes of the person who invented a pause button for alarm clocks. I love you snooze button inventor, for tricking my brain into thinking I'm getting more sleep every morning. You genius!

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
He loves football; I hate it - go figure.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
I'd be Miss Human Being, just to see the look on people's faces when I flash my ID card.

18. Would you forgive and forget, no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
I'd like to think so, but I'd probably make them work for it.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Six months??? You'd end up with scurvy or rickets or one of those other gross diseases you get from poor diets, but if I must choose... potatoes, they’re very versatile.

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